The Birth of Severus Snape
by Silverswaninthemoonlight
Summary: Disclaimer: I own NOTHING! everything belongs to our Queen, JK Rowling. One afternoon in History of Magic, Professor Binns spontaneously asks James Potter a Question and James uses the opportunity to have a go at Snape. Based off a post I saw on ifunny. Special Thanks to RainbowSpring who gave me the idea for chapter 3
1. Chapter 1

It was that drudgery time of day in Hogwarts. The time of day that makes students moan and bury their head in their arms. That time of day when the student's souls are at risk of being sucked out of their souls with the precision of a Dementor's kiss. In other words, it was History of Magic.

The Fifth Year students were sitting and staring at the chalkboard in silent anguish, wordlessly begging time to accelerate. Some examples of the latter were Maureen Finnegan, her eyes glued to the clock, documenting every second it made that would indicate the ending of the class. Mary Macdonald was irritably rolling her eyes. Other students were not paying any attention at all, finding ways to prevent themselves from succumbing to the despair that the students in agony were currently experiencing. For example, James Potter and his best friend, Sirius Black, the heroes of Gryffindor (or so they were called by almost every girl in the school below the sixth year) were leaning back on their chairs in unison, passing notes to each other, with an air of mock secrecy. Peter Pettigrew, a rather ratty faced, pudgy boy, who worshiped the ground James and Sirius walked on (it did get a bit annoying at times) was taking a full-blown nap, complete with drooling and snoring, much to the disgust of the Slytherin girl who was burdened with the misfortune of sitting next to him. Gary Jennings, a tall black boy, was casually doodling with a pen, Mulciber and Avery, two Slytherin boys who had an aura of two slimy eels enveloped around them,were playing tic-tac-toe. Only two students actually seemed to be fulfilling the requiem expected in this classroom; actively taking notes, while keeping a keen, attentive ear on Professor Binns, a wheezy, droopy, gloomy, truly boring specter who seemed absolutely unaware of anything going on around him, including his failure to be alive. Professor Binns was plagued with the ability to make every single thing that came out of his mouth sound utterly boring. This was proven through his long speech of the rebellion of the Northern Trolls of Luxembourg. He and he alone could make the subject a heavy duty sleeping potion.

"Mr. Perkins" wheezed Binns out of nowhere.

James lifted his head a fraction. He had long given up the challenge of trying to get Professor Binns to come to the realization that his name was Potter, not Perkins. However, if after your fourth year, he still hasn't had the knowledge diffuse into his mind, he probably won't. That was the number one tip his father had given him about Binns right before he had started Hogwarts.

"Um...sorry. What were you saying, Prof?" he asked lazily.

"What resulted in the mating of the Northern trolls and the Mountain Goblins?" asked Professor Binns snappishly.

He seemed rather miffed about having to repeat something to a student

"Bit rich of him to do that, considering he's probably been repeating the same boring old lectures year after year, with about as much variation as a clump of dirt" thought James to himself. "So umm...the result of trolls mating with goblins" James repeated out loud, his eyes darting toward those of his fellow comrades, hoping that one of them might find it in their hearts to send him a silent hint, to no avail.

Sirius gave him a pitying glance that said "Sorry mate. Would tell you if I did" Remus gave him a rather withering glare that very plainly said "Serves you right. You were not paying attention. You can now pay the consequences that come with it" James didn't even bother to waste his eye sight on Peter who, even if he hadn't just been aroused from his slumber, completely unaware of the lecture, would probably have a better chance of becoming Quidditch Captain that knowing the answer. In an act of sheer desperation, as the seconds mounted rapidly, James swiveled his eyes around to the whole class, silently praying that one of them would know the answer. He frantically turned towards Evans, the prettiest girl in the school. Her emerald green eyes merely narrowed and glared as she shook her head at him and bent over her notes. James wouldn't have minded spending a few more precious seconds of silence on staring at her, but suddenly his view was besmirched by the sight of something not so pretty. A Slytherin boy sitting next to her. The most irritating, sickly little git. James scowled silently.

"Get away from her you filthy little nit! You don't deserve to be near her. You're not worthy of being in her presence much less sitting next to her. What with your greasy hair, and your hooked beaked nose and your sallow face-"

"Mr. Perkins! The answer!" rasped Binn's voice sharply.

The combination of Binn's alerting him that he was supposed to be thinking of an answer for the result of the mating of trolls and goblins, combined with his re-ignited hatred of the slimy little freak resulted in a massive brain wave.

"Uhh..the birth of Severus Snape?" James responded automatically, without even thinking about it.

This answer set the whole class of like a dungbomb. Sirius roared with laughter and slapped his knee so hard that he fell out of his chair. Wormtail sniggered shrilly, letting out that high pitched shriek that no reaction to the insult of Snape was complete without. Mary MacDonald and Marlene Mckinnon produced squeals of "OOHHHH BURN!" in unison. Gary Jennings was laughing so hard, that he was doubled over. Remus had a hand clamped around his mouth, desperately trying not to laugh. However, there was no denying the tears of laughter streaming down his face, his amusement at the epic insult, desperately trying to rise to the surface. Even Professor Binns, who probably had never once in his life cracked a smile, in death found James's answer worth a hearty guffaw. Even the Slytherins were splitting their sides.

Only two people in the entire classroom were not laughing. The object of abuse, Snape, had bitten his lip so hard that it had drawn blood, and buried his head beneath his robes. It seemed as though he was trying not to cry. The second straight-facer was Evans, who had affectionately wrapped her arms around him, (no doubt trying to comfort the big baby) was shooting the cruciatus at James with her eyes. They were filled to the brim with rage. James silently sent up a note of thanks to the heavens that Lily was too much of a stickler to draw wands in the middle of class as well as making a mental note to bolt for Gryffindor Tower the moment all the classes ended, grab his broomstick from his Dormitory, and fly at a breakneck pace as far away from the grounds as possible. Lily wasn't above jinxing in the halls (after classes were over),or the Common Room. Yet despite his fear of getting hit with a pimple-jinx, James couldn't help but notice Lily's mouth was set in an incredibly taut, thin line. It seemed unlikely that she would even consider thickening her lips for centuries.


	2. Chapter 2

"_That was SO RUDE OF YOU!_" Hissed Lily angrily.

"_Remus_" whined Prongs. He was looking exasperatedly at the owner of the name. Remus, in turn grinned sheepishly. Twice today had he failed to live up to James expectations as a Marauder. Firstly, he'd refused to give James the answer to the result of a troll-goblin cross in History of Magic. His Second mishap was his deceiving James into entering the Gryffindor Boys Common, under the impression that an angry Evans would not be awaiting his arrival.

"She said she'd put a Bat-Bogey Hex on me if I didn't tell you the coast was clear"

"Then you should have gotten hexed" whined James.

"You should have let yourself get hexed rather than betray a fellow Marauder as_ I_ would have done for _you_"

"Hear, hear" added Sirius, slumped against the wall. There was no mistaking the amusement on his face, however.

"That's right Remus. That was very wrong of you! Shame!" cried Wormtail fervently.

"You can lecture Remus about your trust issues later" snarled Evans, determined to make her statement.

"What you did to Severus in History of Magic was beyond cruel!"

"It was just a joke" Protested James

"Well he_ didn't_ find it particularly amusing! Your little insult spread through the school like wildfire and earned him the nickname of 'Troll-Goblin'! Alice Longbottom told me that when the Hufflepuffs had Transfiguration class with the Slytherins, even Professor McGonnagal called him that!"

"WICKED!" Roared Sirius, clapping his comrade heartily on the back.

"Your created nickname even got McGonnagal to call him that! That's a new record!"(everytime the boys spawned a nickname for somebody, they observed how well it rooted. They wanted to see how many teachers they could get to call students the nicknames that they'd designated. Only McGonnagal hadn't succumbed to this 'rooting')

"Well at least _she_ apologized. And gave twenty points to Slytherin because of it"

The boys groaned. This tied Slytherin with Gryffindor for the House Cup.

"He was crying in the bathroom through Charms, Potions and Care of Magical Creatures!" cried Evans

"So that's why he missed class! What a wuss!" exclaimed James.

"HE IS NOT A WUSS!" Shrilled Evans

"Looks like we got a Moaning Myrtle in the boy's bathroom too now" commented Sirius coolly.

It took me twenty minutes to coax him out!" Persisted Evans, desperately trying to stir their sympathies.

"You poor soul!" cried James.

"DON'T FEEL SORRY FOR ME FEEL SORRY FOR HIM!" Shrieked Evans, exasperatedly.

"Lily is so cute when she's all worked up about something" thought James.

"Did he cry into your arms?" Simpered Sirius.

"As a matter of fact he did!" said Lily, acidly.

"No doubt she's hoping that what she said is finally starting to take effect on Sirius" he (James) thought.

"But the day Sirius pities the freaky little Greaseball, is the day Professor McGonnagal dances in a tutu in the middle of the Great Hall!"

"I knew he did!" remarked Sirius casually.

"Because you knew how mean James's comment was, and how much it hurt the poor thing?" Lily cried, her face shining with satisfaction, hope, and awe. James tried to imprint the facial expression into his mind permanently. It looked so pretty on her. He wanted to remember it before it disappeared any second now. He knew what Sirius would say next.

"NO!" remarked Sirius, recoiling back as though Evans had sprouted fangs.

"It's because there's a head-sized grease stain on your robes. So unless my inference is wrong, (and you just confirmed it) Severus must have buried his face in your chest while he cried and clung to you like a wittwe _baby cwying fow his mommy_"

The four boys roared with mirth so hard that they commenced rolling around the floor for five minutes. They ended the session only when they found themselves struggling to breathe. One-by-one they remembered that Evans was still there, and peered into her wrath-filled face.

One of Evans' green eyes twitched. Her jaw squared. Her fists balled up. Rage swelled up in her face, slowly-but-surely. The latter, accompanied by her flaming red hair, gave off the impression that she was erupting lava.

"You. Four. Are. The most _inconsiderate, uncouth, rude, idiotic, conceited_ human beings to_ ever _walk this earth_! _Should somebody ever happen to_ chance _to cross people who embody the latter characteristics_ half _as well as_ you do_,**_ I PITY THEM!_**

With that said, she turned tail, and stormed out of the Dormitory, raging and berating the four boys to the harshest extremes. So loud was her continuing tirade against 'letting such stupid prats in Hogwarts', it was still perfectly audible to the Marauders as she left the Gryffindor Common Room, and entered the Girl's dorm.


	3. Chapter 3

(an hour before the aftermath)

"Well, it looks like I'm going to miss Care of Magical Creatures" thought Lily ruefully as Severus bawled into the hem of her robes. He had been performing this practice throughout charms and defense Against the Dark Arts and Lily sighed as she came to the conclusion that a third period would be missed.

"But classes don't matter when it comes to friendship" she thought firmly. "Severus needs me right now and I'd be a rather ruddy friend if I wasn't there for him. Curse that Potter and his stupid friends!"

She was trying her best to be a comforting friend. And she had been trying to be a comforting friend for the past three hours. But one can only sit and stroke another's hair at the expense of time for so long. Especially when they can doing so little to help their friend.

"But a little goes a long way" Lily reasoned.

"I'm sure Sev would be really hurt if I told him to buck up"

"Wh-wh-_why _are they so mean to me" sobbed Severus (it sounded as though he was expelling large gusts of wind with each space-filling sob)

"Because they are a bunch of big stupid gits" replied Lily for the umpteenth time, barely masking the edge of frustration in her voice.

"What did I ever do to them" he wailed.

"Well Sev, you did spread around that rumor that Sirius and Remus were gay for each other. And we all know it was you who placed that hurling hex on James's broomstick. And let's not forget the time that you sold Peter that cure for boils with the porcupine quills added early, telling him that it would make him appear handsome. Yes Severus. I know that you did. Marlene Mckinnon saw the transaction"

Severus looked up in horror and gasped at her betrayal. It was customary for Lily to stroke his hair and purr "absolutely nothing" to him when he made this inquiry. Never once before had she justified the Marauder's behavior.

"YOU'RE SIDING WITH-WITH-_THEM_?" his voice was nearing a shriek with every word.

Lily quickly realized and regretted her error of judgement far too soon.

"No no no no no. Sev, I'm just implying that _maybe_ the Marauders have a good reason _in **their** minds_ for poking fun at you"

"Everything I did, I did for revenge against them" he protested.

"Yes, but maybe they don't see it that way. After all, they're so thickheaded that they probably can't recall previous events that happened out of a 48 hour time range"

Poking insults at the Marauders always cheered up Severus. He straightened up a little.

"They are pretty stupid...aren't they?" he asked, staring like a puppy into her eyes.

"Yes they are...total imbeciles" Lily added reassuringly.

And then for the next step of the Severus-comforting procedure, Lily prepared to compliment Severus using comparisons to the marauders.

"You're worth seven times their weight in galleons"

"I am?" he asked, his black eyes widening.

"Yes you are. I'd rather prefer you any day"

Severus straightened up, and finally lifted his head off of her stomach, leaving behind an enormous grease stain on her robes. Lily watched with baited breath.

"They are pretty dumb aren't they?" he asked again, this time with an edge of confidence.

"Yes, complete, utter, total numbskulls. Now if we hurry, we can make the second half of Care of Magical Creatures"

And they would have, if not for the fact that a passing first year, who'd gotten wind of the Marauder's insult of Snape in History of Magic had casually stated "Hey Lily. Hey Troll-Goblin"

This remark reactivated Severus's hysterics and obliterated Lily's still fragile dam she'd built to wall in his tears. A deluge of tears cascaded out of Severus's eyes and with a howl of self pity, he burrowed himself into Lily's robes.

"I'm going to kill you, Potter" growled Lily silently as she resigned herself to her fate.


End file.
